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Funerals Are For The Living And, While Some Do A Wonderful Job Of Memorializing The Person Who Has Passed, The Living Are The Ones Who Need To Find Closure By Maintaining This Ritual.
When a loved one passes, it is emotionally draining on those who are still living. Having a large funeral to memorialize someone who has passed is sometimes cathartic and a loving gesture, but for some people it is too soon to stand in the line of close relatives and acknowledge all who have attended the service or viewing. Perhaps some people who are dealing with a recent and devastating loss would feel less stressed and cope better with a small gathering with only close family and friends. They could have a larger memorial service after dealing with the immediate pain.
 my2cents2u  12 Oct 2009 16:00
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The worst thing about them is that the deceased would probably have loved the gathering, had they been there to see it.
Its a shame someones got to be dead to drag folks together.
 
 2free  13 Oct 2009 00:59
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 I agree. More people should visit with and express their feelings for their loved ones and friends before it's too late and the final words are spoken to a body that is no longer that person. Some of my cousins haven't visited my mom in years, but they will all show up at the funeral. She used to care for them when they were kids. One would think they could find a way to see her while she is still living.
by  my2cents2u
 13 Oct 2009 02:59
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It breaks my heart to stand in a dimly lit room with people I know who are wallowing around in a distressing state of despair and sorrow; it makes the agony and tragedy of the situation indescribably insufferable. It feels like all of the sad painful thoughts accumulate and dredge together as if one heart has to take the entire emotional bludgeon. I honestly can’t think of anything that is more painful than to shake a man’s trembling hand and look into his tearing red raw eyes as he tries so futilely to breathe out a simple word of condolence.
 
 verum  12 Oct 2009 23:27
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 I totally agree. If the funeral and viewing were private, there could always be a memorial service where all of those who cared for the person who passed away could come together once things are less raw. A couple of days after losing a loved one isn't enough to prepare them for a roomful of people and the pressure to come up with things to say to all of those who want to talk about things that are still too painful. So many people say they feel comforted by seeing the outpouring of support at a funeral, but I think many of the people who show up are there out of obligation or to make their own peace with the passing. I know some do want to support the family, but those are usually the ones who are close enough that you would want them there with you anyway.

I agree about it being one of the most painful experiences in life. Watching someone you love slowly waste away is terrible, but I don't think anything really prepares you for the moment that they take their last breath. It's such a helpless feeling.
by  my2cents2u
 13 Oct 2009 02:56
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Essentially true. Plus not only are some family and friends not quite ready for the funeral but also I find it a common sentiment among those expecting to soon pass away to not want to be a burden to their families and that includes not bankrupting them with too lavish of a funeral.

Obviously this is a subject fresh on your mind; so how are you doing?
 
 Grenache  12 Oct 2009 21:16
 1 Comment
 
 Hey Grenache...Thanks for your response and for your concern. Yes, this has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm hanging in there, but I keep remembering how difficult my father's funeral was for me and I know this will be worse since it will be both of my parents that will be gone then. I do feel the funeral makes their passing more "real" or lets it kind of sink in due to the finality of a funeral. It's just dealing with so many people and representing my family for my mom when the grief is still so new. We are going to have to stop her artificial nutrition because we're prolonging her suffering and it isn't doing anything to help her at this point. Now that we are making that decision, I know that the other tough decisions are not far behind. I'll make it through somehow...have to and the kids will really need me. I'm glad that other people view this in the way that I do. I was beginning to feel like I was the only one who really dislikes this aspect of funerals. Can't even google too many things that indicate this aspect of funerals. Everything says how it is such a comfort to be surrounded by a bunch of people. I don't find it to be comforting. Feels kind of like a party with a deceased love one in the room...worse is the going to eat afterward. Thank you for the concern. It means a lot... : )
by  my2cents2u
 13 Oct 2009 02:50
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I've read that it's a family's obligation to allow all those who knew the person who has passed to have an opportunity to reach closure by having a large service and open casket viewing. The problem with this is that, after losing a loved one, some people are so grief stricken that the last thing they wish to do is stand there and hear empty phrases like, "at least s/he is no longer suffering" or "you're lucky to have had him/her in your life for the time you did". To someone who is dealing with loss these words don't make them feel lucky and they are already likely to feel relief that their loved one is no longer suffering. There are people who find comfort in this ritual, but for others it might be just too soon to feel emotionally strong enough to put on a brave face and "doing the right thing" for every person who knew their loved one. What makes it worse is that people wait for a funeral to say goodbye to their friends and relatives. Why don't they bother to make it a point to show that outpouring of love and respect while the person is still living?

I acknowledge that it may be selfish not to allow for everyone who wishes to pay their respects the opportunity to view the body and accept that the person is truly "gone". I just don't know how important that is to people other than those who had a close and meaningful relationship with them while they were still alive. Maybe more people could focus on the people who they care for while they are alive and not whether or not the funeral home made their friend look "good". Who looks "good" when they are no longer living. The body without the soul that made that person who they were is just a shell and aside from close family with a real need to see that they are indeed gone, I doubt highly that depriving some friends or acquaintances of the person a chance to view them once they passed will leave those people doubting that they are truly gone and have moved on to a better place. No one is that dense...if there is an obituary, the person's family no doubt did already confirm that their loved one passed. We don't write them as practical jokes.
 
 my2cents2u  12 Oct 2009 16:14
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